I'm officially in my third trimester...as you can see, those overalls are looking pretty tight.
People love to tell you what to watch out for, about symptoms, and the aches and pains of pregnancy...almost immediately after you get pregnant. And, the truth is...I got almost none of those "side effects" people warned me about- knock on wood.
One thing, however, that no one mentioned- that I'm feeling immensely and intensely- is this consistent heart aching, longing, stomach dropping, yet, sweet, breathtaking and expanding feeling right in the center of my chest- that floods my awareness at least 10 times a day. It felt like home sickness. It felt like something was missing.
I tried googling it. I asked my teachers. I asked my doula. I asked my acupuncturist. Everyone had an explanation that didn't feel quite right. Most people thought it was fear or anxiety- and if you know me well, that would make sense.
But, something about that answer felt too obvious and this sensation would wash over me even when I felt the safest...with my husband, talking to our baby girl.
Finally, I did something that I should have done from day one...I asked myself. My guides. And the answer came- clear as day.
What I'm learning is that this is the feeling of my heart expanding...to make room for that much more love I'll receive and give. Like all growing, it comes with a little pain and discomfort. I'm not used to being so open and in my heart. As a matter of fact, I've spend most of my life trying to protect myself from being vulnerable and exposed.
When I was telling my coach about this feeling, she said something that validated my answer to what was happening and also helped me embrace it. She said, "Isn't that so wonderful...to be flooded with emotions on a daily basis,."
Now, for someone who doesn't love to feel and deal...this perspective was hard to put on. However, once she said it, it was like an 'ah hah'. Yes, what a miracle. What a lesson for someone who doesn't like to feel...to be flooded with heart expanding emotion several times a day, every day.
I'm learning how to sit with it, how to feel comfortable with it and how to face it and embrace it. It's making me less afraid of all of my feelings. It's a gentle tap reminding me to stay open and brave.
More and more, I'm think about what lies ahead. Most of the time, not knowing the answer to this scares me. But, I'm practicing acceptance and surrender.